Alli: The Miracle Weight Loss Drug

I had to go to Walmart today for the first time in months. We needed a cheap pillow for the basement hideaway. We are living in the basement right now until the sun goes down because it is approximately the temperature of the surface of the sun in the house during the day. We wistfully recall what it was like to go out into the sun and not burst into flames. But I digress.

Trying to navigate the hell that is the local super Walmart (Their motto? FUCK YOU If you want to buy just one thing. You ain't getting out of here alive), we passed the pharmacy, and a woman tried to force a pamphlet on me for this new drug that is sweeping the nation. It's called alli.

"No thanks," I said. "I'd rather not shit my pants." And I walked on.

Later I asked Sarah if the little old lady looked offended by what I had said. She said she didn't look surprised at all. I guess word is out on the miracle drug's side effects.