Xenu Protect Us From the Ferrenghi

1 in 33 Homeowners Projected To Be In Foreclosure Within The Next Two Years

I don't want to seem unfair about the people who are losing their homes. The whole credit system sucks, but for now it's what we have to deal with. I don't believe everyone who is facing foreclosure got a loan they couldn't afford on terms they didn't understand, but it's clear that quite a few causalities of the mortgage crisis did just that. They made a purchase in mind-numbing ignorance, driven by a culture of conspicuous consumerism, and now we're all paying for it.

I need no better evidence to convince me that there are no nearby mercenary capitalist alien races in our neck of the galaxy. If there was such a race, their fleet would have showed up orbit by now, loaded with shiny baubles (space plasma TVs, space HUMVees, bottles of spring water covered in Swartzishi Crystals that sell for $800 an ounce ) and loan paperwork offering apparently generous terms for all of the above. Just sign here.

Not having read any the paperwork, we would find that our payments balloon 1000% after one month. And like that, they would own 80% of the U.S. We, the people of America, would be reduced to anarchist gangs driving through empty, decaying housing developments in our hovering space hummers, desperately avoiding the aliens' deadly repo squads that patrol the blackend skies of our once beautiful cities.Their repo men make a sport of hunting us, and once caught, we would be reduced to selling our last assets to pay off our debts--our precious, bodily fluids. One we have been drained to dust in giant fluid-processing factories equipped with machines like the kind you hook up to milk cows, only bigger and full of sharp needles, the aliens would take their slushy cargo and seek out a less gullible, more thirsty species. A galaxy's width away, we would be sold as an off-brand softdrink for slug-faced creatures that breathe methane gas.

Human Water! It has vitamins in it!

Twenty years later, their government will release a study revealing that drinking Human Water causes cancer. So we end on an upbeat note. At least, by proxy, we finally get to kill some god damned aliens.

But the fact that this hasn't happened proves to me that there are no capitalist aliens nearby. They couldn't pass up an opportunity like Bush's America.

I spent yesterday being populist, but today I'm back to my old elitist self. For a country that worships money as the forgotten member of the Holy Trinity, we're pretty fucking stupid about our use of it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go give plasma so I can make my credit card bill this month.